Sunday ☕ : The Power of Pain

If I inhale deeply, my lungs are filled with the freshest air I’ve ever experienced, along with the scent of pine. This forest, hundreds of acres behind my Adirondack home, is old growth, much of it never cut, with trees that two of us cannot join our hands around, some exceeding 600 years of age. Twigs snap as I walk through the trail, and I hit an occasional patch of mud from the rains, making my way carefully across, jumping from logs to moss-covered rocks.

Forest Bathing

In Japan, they encourage people to take time off work to go “forest bathing.” The combination of fresh air and the visual of dark woods, deep greens along with fresh spring greens, pine needles, peeling bark on soft, worn pathways, is deeply good for our souls. Our home, built in 1894, was built from these trees, and sits on a patch of land between the forest and the lake. Our summer life feels ideal. Fresh air, fresh water, playtime, and family around us. Our bath of forest and lake time lasts through the summer and fall, and the rejuvenation I receive lasts me through the tough winter months of life.

A Spoiled Child

At times I feel a little spoiled, with all this beauty around me. It started when I was a kid. I can look back to my childhood, when we had advantages our cousins did not have, and I once overheard my aunt say, “Those kids are spoiled.” I did not believe it at the time, but looking back, she was right.

Sheltered

And I’ve done a little too much spoiling myself. I can see the mistakes I’ve made as a parent, and those my parents made with us. We all gave a lot. But much of what they gave, with good intentions, probably did us no favors and prolonged important lessons on independence and self-reliance. My perspective on life was skewed because I was sometimes sheltered from painful lessons.

Child Labor

As boys, we were put to work at my dad’s business. I worked in the mailroom and learned to run a printing press. My brothers worked in the un-air-conditioned factory, assembling products. We put on our little suits and shook hands at trade shows. My dad would bring us into serious business meetings with clients or employees, and even at 8 or 10, would ask our opinions on things. And after the meeting he would ask, “What did you learn?” As a result, business came naturally to me as an adult. None of us liked it, but it was smart of him to do this.

Problems = Growth

Yet I never grew up until I had problems. My dad funded my first serious business venture, which speedily got me into the business world. I became privileged and a little too arrogant and full of myself, when in reality I was only born lucky. But when problems arose, he stepped back. Problems belonged to me, and I could get advice, but if I needed money, I was told no. I was told, “You have to figure this out.” It made me mad. But I actually had to figure it out.

Where Addicts Come From

Talking with some acquaintances who are coaches for addicted people, one told me, “Most of my clients have addictions because they never had any problems, or had all their problems solved for them. They weren’t allowed to make mistakes on their own. As a result, there is a giant addiction problem. These kids have low self-esteem because they were never allowed to solve their own problems. Parents mean well. But when you can’t solve your own problems, you have nothing on which to base your self-esteem.”

Parents Who Protect

“We make lots of threats as parents,” said this coach, “but the minute we should get tough, we break down and don’t let our kids suffer, just because WE don’t want to see them suffer. Yet the parents who let them suffer are the ones whose kids are less likely to end up dealing with problems their entire lives. Sadly, most get nervous, step in and solve the problems again, and their kids end up with problems for life.”

Two Paths

So many of us had parents who were hard on us, made us do things we did not want to do. From that, we went in one of two directions. We either suffered and realized it was good for us, and we passed that on to our kids. Or we suffered and told ourselves, “I’m not gonna do that to my kids.” That second one is why so many young people may be overly sensitive, easily wounded or hurt, and don’t know how to deal with pain. There is no telling how that might impact kids who end up struggling with their identity. When the kids whine about raking leaves or taking out trash, too often we give in so we don’t have to fight them or keep hearing the complaints. Soon they are doing little or nothing, and not suffering enough.

Learning Sooner

I was a numbskull. I kept repeating mistakes, and my parents kept bailing me out. Had they gotten fed up with helping me sooner, I would have learned sooner. And I’ve repeated a lot of that behavior with my own offspring.

It’s All About Me

My self-esteem came when I was responsible for myself, when I did things for myself, when I no longer looked to anyone else to save me. Then I had good reason for a healthy self-esteem, instead of having everything handed to me and being overly impressed with who I was when I had done nothing on my own.

Often I’ve suggested that pain is good, though we never look forward to it. Pain is the first step toward growth. It's true in life, and it's true for our kids.

Surviving on Peanut Butter

I look backward and see where I was let off the hook, too many times and too easily. I see that when I was forced to work, forced to struggle, forced to suffer, I experienced growth and became a man. When I called my folks with a sob story and was told, “I’m sorry you don’t have any money for food, but I have confidence you’ll figure it out,” I was angry, but I never called and asked again. And I figured it out. I learned how to make my money last. All it took was a week living on a jar of peanut butter for me to learn to manage my money, and learn how to make more of it, which stimulated me to work three jobs. For several years straight I worked as an evening radio DJ, ran a wedding photography business on the weekends, and was also the DJ at the weddings I photographed so I could get a couple hundred extra bucks.

What was the moment you grew up?
What was the tough love you experienced that hurt, but made a difference in your life?
What did it take to find your own self-esteem?
When did someone say no and it benefited you?
What were you made to do that you did not want to do, that helped you grow and impacted your self-worth and self-esteem?

Parenting is hard.

But the hardest part is to stop sheltering them as soon as possible, to give them chores and make them work, to resist their whining, and to let them gain independence in spite of their objections. Our kids had to do their own laundry, starting at age 7. We had to battle them for a week or two, and they had to go to school with dirty clothes, but they finally got it.

Kids without problems don’t grow up — until they have problems.

We have had some very difficult days when we worried because we wanted to bail a kid out of a problem. But bailing people out is the coward’s way. Great parenting allows them to suffer, and suffering along with them because you would rather not watch them struggle. But giving in is actually hurting them. Don’t give in, Even though it's easier in the short term, it will be harder in the long run.

It's never too late. It takes us time to grow, it takes us time to get fed up or tired of the battle. Sometimes it happens when you run out of money because you gave it all to help your kid. They can be 6 or 60, but the moment you say no and let them figure it out on their own, they will protest. But stick to your guns and let them experience pain. They will test you, they will pull at your heartstrings, and you’ll want to help them, but helping is hurting.

Embrace the struggle.

Who Is This Guy Eric Rhoads?

Eric is the founder and publisher of PleinAir magazine, Fine Art Connoisseur Magazine (both on newsstands nationally), author and host six of Art Marketing instructional videos and has a blog on Art Marketing, and is author of the Amazon best seller Make More Money Selling Your Art. He produces newsletters American Watercolor, Fine Art Today, Plein Air Today and RealismToday, Creator of; The Plein Air Convention, The Plein Air Salon $30,000 Art Competition, The Figurative Art Convention & Expo, Plein Air Live, Realism Live and Watercolor Live Virtual art conferences. Art instruction video with Streamline Art Video, Liliedahl Art Video, Creative Catalyst Art Productions, and Paint Tube.TV (art instruction on Roku, Amazon Fire, and Apple TV) and host of several painting retreats: Fall Color Week, Paint Adirondacks and PaintRussia, plus an annual collector Fine Art Trip, Rhoads hosts a daily art broadcast on Youtube and Facebook (search Streamline Art Video). He is a plein air , landscape and portrait painter with works at Castle Gallery. He is also heavily involved in the radio industry as founder of Radio Ink, as well as Radio and Television Business Report, the Radio Ink Forecast Conference, Podcast Business Journal, and the Radio Ink Hispanic Radio Conference. He is the author of a best-selling book on the History of radio; Blast From the Past: A Pictorial History of Radio's First 75 Years. He lives in Austin, Texas, with his bride Laurie and they are the parents of triplets. Learn more at EricRhoads.com or see Everything We Do.